Self-Propelled Hemorrhoids

Most days working in a hospital you meet patients with a wide range of personalities. Being that it's a hospital, I expect that a fair number of these people aren't having a good day, and aren't at their best. But some days (like today), you hit the anti-jackpot, and get to deal with a seemingly unending procession of people who aren't content to be miserable, they want to make sure you're miserable too. Using the following techniques, you too can ensure that the hospital staff feels your pain.

1. Agree to a simple procedure in radiology that is a glorified long-term I.V. often placed in a home setting by a registered nurse. On reaching radiology, pitch a fit that you will not be attended by an anesthesiologist for unconscious sedation for the usually ten minute procedure. Refuse the procedure and have the staff return you to your room so you may continue to complain about your pain and how much it hurts every time someone tries to start a standard IV. Grudgingly agree to return for procedure when you realize you won't get IV pain control any other way.

2. Demand to know if the procedure is done every five minutes, even though the doctor hasn't put in an appearance yet.

3. Frequently try to stick your hand into the sterile field we've created to prevent a nosocomial infection.

4. Complain that the sterile drape smells bad, is intolerable, and demand we move it away from you.

5. Tell the nurse that the nursing care you've always received here has always been horrible.

6. When asked what was bad about the care, express your anger over the nurses actually expecting you to get out of bed and walk the day after your knee replacement, instead of letting you lay there sedated until the pain is all gone.

7. Yell when you're poked with the needle the doctor just told you he would be poking you with. Continue to yell every time you feel anything touch you.

8. Demand, not ask, that the nurse position your leg just so, scream when you're slowly, carefully, moved to a gurney at the end of the procedure, then complain that you're going to vomit from the rough, fast transfer.

9. Insult the doctor when he shows up by stating he must have been too busy making money to show up immediately after you arrived in the imaging room.

10. While your parent, the patient, is having their informed consent reviewed by the staff prior to the exam, state loudly that doctors are idiots, and inform the staff that you're pissed off the anesthesiologist didn't agree to use the sedatives you wanted him to use for the procedure, since you know what works best better than some con man with a medical degree.